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For 5 years I've been on methadone illegally. It started out because my doctors stopped giving me pain pills (I was 19 and they didn't want to give me pain pills thanks to new DEA regulation) and a friend of mine suggested methadone. I've had a steady supply, and at one point was taking 30mg, but am now down to 10mg once a day and stable. I have a girlfriend, I'm starting college and I actually want to get into the medical field. I feel like I'm doomed, however, because I take this pill. I've detoxed three times at home, each lasting about six months before suicide became preferred over the bitter, cold loneliness and pain that was methadone withdrawal. Each time I came very close to suicide, but took a methadone tablet to see if I could come back, and each time I did. Each time my life improved, not when I detoxed, but when I got back onto it.
I feel like the drug has done me well, and I don't feel like an addict. Dependant, sure, but addicted? Not really. I want to continue taking it, I think it's the best thing for me to keep momentum in my life, but I need to get a license and I can't do that morally while on an illegal pain pill. It could ruin my life if I got into an accident as well. I know of suboxone, but does it stop you from feeling so cold and pained all the time? I lose all interest in life when I'm off methadone, not in an 'I need this drug and without it I'll die' sort of way, in a very passive, 'I no longer find pleasure in even the most pleasurable activities' sort of way.
I recently went in for a minor procedure and needed to declare methadone to my doctor for the first time. She's looking into what causes my pain, and I'm afraid if she doesn't find anything with tests, she'll assume I'm an addict and won't help. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to procede. I obviously can't go to a clinic because I don't drive, so what are my options, and will a pain clinic potentially switch me over to a legal prescription? Also, I've heard regulation thanks to organizations like HARMD (they may be dead, but their legacy of methadone witch hunts seem to live on...) will soon make methadone treatment almost impossible. Is that true? I appreciate any help or words of wisdom. I've avoided this for so many years, and if I'm ruined for it, so be it. I'm barely living as is.