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g0t2b d0sed

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Posts: 246 Member Since:05/01/13

#21 [url]

Jun 4 13 12:02 AM

@Way, I've stated this before, but it seems with each story I read of yours I learn more similarities between you and I. As I was reading this story of yours I was moved deeply. I was almost envious at how you were able to tell the story to others in such a way I was never quite able to do. I, myself, write as a form of self expression and can tell all stories through pen and paper as I cannot do so verbally. I suppose I was left with an inability to communicate my feelings properly so I turn to writing as a firm of release. Here is my story, similar to yours, but the way I know how to tell it....


These are a few of my works that tell parts of my story. Please avoid placing judgement, but rather look at the big picture. Surely you'll gain insight into myself, in my completeness; a conglomerate of my skills, strengths, and weaknesses. Through my work I am able to Render myself vulnerable; exposing my struggles, imperfections, my anger, my demons, my determination..... My mind! All of it. The simple. The complex. This level of honesty is hard for me. Not cash register honesty, but honesty at a core level... My inner most being. I don't share myself at this level with many, but it is here that I find support so I see sharing these fit.



"Sudden Flashes"


- Sudden flashes
moments I'd like not to remember
Recollection of events
I knew only to cry and surrender

Revisited by fear
An impulse to hide
But in the presence of pain
I know I'm alive

Evading reality
I travel back yet again
While the world moves around me
I see only him

-I'm back
wishing someone would find me
Bare on the floor Curled into a ball
Rocking to and fro
Between the bed and the wall
Clutching my knees
In them burying my face
Lost and alone
I feel like such a disgrace

Bitch can't you hear me
Im In the room Beside yours
Cold and quivering
Alone on the floor
I'd lie there for hours
Awake I would stay
Praying for the moment
I'd be taken away

You knew what he was doing to me
Confirming he could
often reminded
"It's for your own good"
One day too many questions
The next something else
Sure enough his ways changed
In the presence of someone else

I cherished those moments
In which we were out
A time he couldn't hurt me...
A time he couldn't shout

But As soon as the calm was over
And no other being was about
He'd be sure to remind me
The mistakes I made while we were out
I'd try to Protect myself
But again just a child
I'd take the abuse
This time not so mild

I took the blame
All those false accusations
Remaining convinced that he loved me
With no affirmation

I was merely a child
I didn't quite understand
Living life As a prisoner
To this beast of a man

I'll never forget
those awful things done to me
The abuse I endured
Who you pretended to be

I'm searching for an escape
Trying not to give up
Still I see your face
I've about had enough

I wonder if you could find me
....If I were to escape up above



"She bleeds no pain"

The redness trickles down
Drips from my blade
Streams over old scars
that have started to fade
Suspended in nothingness
Evading the pain
physical loss
emotional gain
An Inside so hollow
A soul hard to find
On a quest deep within
To take back whats mine
Scouring desperately
Yearning to feel
Craving control
A sense of what's real
To the rest of the world
An appearance so strong
holding tightly within
All that is wrong
Left alone in the dark
No deliverance gained
Withered and weakened
She bleeds no pain


"Silent she cries"

Cold, blood, tears,
Anger, sadness, fears,
A longing, to take back,
Those Lost forever... Years
A Child with dreams, gone astray
Her innocence stolen, taken away
Seared with scars, she wishes to hide
Piercing screams but silent she Cries



I have many many more, but I chose these few because I feel, although short, they say everything that needs to be said.... They... Tell my story.





0UT 0F SUFFERiNG HAVE EMERGED THE STR0NGEST S0UlS THE M0ST MASSiVE CHARACTERS ARE SEARED WiTH SCARS -AMYlYNN 

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g0t2b d0sed

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Posts: 246 Member Since:05/01/13

#22 [url]

Jun 4 13 12:46 AM

And I APOLOGIZE, I got so compelled to share my own story after reading Way's, but I probably shouldn't have hijacked this thread to do it. Again, I'm sorry!

0UT 0F SUFFERiNG HAVE EMERGED THE STR0NGEST S0UlS THE M0ST MASSiVE CHARACTERS ARE SEARED WiTH SCARS -AMYlYNN 

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kjacobs84

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Posts: 70 Member Since:06/01/13

#23 [url]

Jun 4 13 4:31 AM

Thank you @Way, I plan on writing a letter tonight then and will bring it in tomorrow. Do you think it would be helpful to have my dad, whom I live with and possibly my mother (who's divorced from my dad but its her I lived with through much of my drug using years) write a letter in my defense as well? They both can attest to the turn-around I have made and its made such a change in their lives as well. They were always so scared for me and focused on trying to help me time and time again, in turn, my two younger (but adult) sisters were neglected. Anyways, my family is finally at peace now but they almost gave up hope for me and would rather go to family get togethers, weddings, etc, without me because they became so embarassed of me nodding out or completely passing out.

Both my parents are very happy with my progress in the program but are as frustrated as I am with whats happening right now. Let me know if u think they're input in writing letters would be helpful in your opinion.

I'm sure happy u have so much experience with this and are willing to inform and guide those of us who need the help. I would have been so frustrated had I waited until Friday to write a lettee only to be told its too late for their decision to be reversed. you are an Angel @Way!!!

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sapphire76

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#24 [url]

Jun 4 13 4:47 AM

@Way - that sounds like a good idea. I can understand the clinic revoking TH's for 30 days and then maybe phasing the patient down a level, but to make them start from scratch with zero TH's is just complete overkill, especially given that @kjacobs is being completely compliant.

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sapphire76

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#25 [url]

Jun 4 13 4:50 AM

    It's always bothered me a little that my counselor is younger than I am, I'm 29 and she must be around 26 or so, plus she's never been an addict and has very little experience in counseling. she isn't even yet certified to be one, she must need to put in so many hours of work in a setting with real patients or...I don't know really how that all works. But...maybe that will work to my advantage in building my case

-kjacobs84

This would bother me too. Not neccesarily that the counsellor had no personal experience of addiction, but at that age she doesn't have too much experience of life at all, so coupled together I would think she's very inexperienced!!

Wow, actually just read that she's not even qualified?! That is wrong on so many levels. Can you switch to a different one?

Regarding the clinic starting calling under a private number, did they actually tell you that it was going to start happening?

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kjacobs84

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#26 [url]

Jun 4 13 5:02 AM

@g0t2b, no need to apologize for anything! What matters to me is that every one of us be happy, healthy, informed, treated fairly, have our voices heard, etc.

If u feel like this thread creates a good platform for you to tell your story or be heard, then by all means, hijack away my friend!

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the elephantman

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Posts: 802 Member Since:08/30/11

#27 [url]

Jun 4 13 7:10 AM

@sapphire: I'd like to start off by saying first and foremost, i do not believe in punitive measures, AT ALL!! I actually believe the OP should NOT have been punished, PERIOD!! However, since i know and have had to accept that clinics feel they MUST be punitive, @kjacobs has been a compliant patient for long enough. I believe his compliance warrants him a "get outta jail free" card.





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ltomczak

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Posts: 789 Member Since:02/22/10

#28 [url]

Jun 4 13 8:27 AM

I think the advice you've received from everyone is totally right on. I also wanted to point out that in the future you may want to give them more than one way of getting a hold of you in case of future call backs.

If you don't have more than one phone or don't trust anyone else to receive and deliver that message for you, then I would advise setting up a Google Voice Phone Number. It's free, accepts text  messaging and voice mail, and you can set it up so that it automatically forwards all messages to your cell phone.

(It also transcribes voicemails for you, which is nice. They're not always totally legible though!)

This way if they are not able to get a hold of you on your main number, there is a back up available that goes directly to you.


lindsaytomcat@yahoo.com For those in and around the Chicago area - feel free to contact me if you need help with your treatment.

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kjacobs84

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#29 [url]

Jun 4 13 9:20 AM

@sapphire, no they never informed us that they were going to start calling from a private number, which I feel they should have. And in the wake of this incident, I asked them quite nicely to maybe think of informing everyone else of it so this type of thing doesnt happen to others. But apparently they don't think its needed because most who have takehomes are
"responsible" enough to know. Unlike myself who she regarded as irresponsible with my privelages. Ha! What a joke!

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mike75

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Posts: 660 Member Since:03/25/12

#30 [url]

Jun 4 13 4:26 PM

It's a crying shame people pay their hard earned money to be put in a program to get themselves help and do everything they can to follow the guidelines yet the powers that be in these places want to treat these people like prisoners.The thing is most of these people once they get on their medication and get settled they will do everything they can to go along with the rules and try their damndest to stay honest and true but one small misunderstanding turns into accusations and finger pointing.For instance there is not room for even the smallest margin of error and you are already tried and convicted before ever getting a chance to explain.So lets say you can't pee no matter how long you sit and drink water then suddenly they think you are trying to do everything you can to not have to do the drug screen because you must've been doing drugs or selling all your medicine.Lets say you block private callers but you didn't know the clinic calls from a private number so you miss your call back and suddenly they think you are avoiding them because you must've been selling your meds and your low on your take homes and you don't want them to see that.They don't try to see that most of the patients once they are stable on their medicine are actually trustworthy and trying to turn over a new leaf and get their life back on track.I know once i was on methadone for a while i didn't think about other drugs anymore and i was ready to be honest with myself and others.I no longer stole or lied because i was on methadone and i had no urge to go on the street and buy oxycodone.Once a person gets stable on methadone they will be more honest because they no longer have any reason to steal or lie to get their fix.Usually the person returns to being a honest hard working member of society.


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maronne

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Posts: 127 Member Since:07/25/10

#31 [url]

Jun 4 13 5:50 PM

Just an FYI - I don't answer Private Numbers or any other numbers that I don't recognize.  And YES - It did get me in trouble with a call back one time.  But luckily - I just got YELLED AT and NOT PUNISHED!

I don't answer numbers that I don't recognize because I go through periods where I get on average TWO dishonest scammers calling PER DAY!!!

Maronne

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wayovermyhead

Posts: 4,350 Member Since:07/16/11

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#32 [url]

Jun 4 13 7:13 PM

I think the advice you've received from everyone is totally right on. I also wanted to point out that in the future you may want to give them more than one way of getting a hold of you in case of future call backs.
If you don't have more than one phone or don't trust anyone else to receive and deliver that message for you, then I would advise setting up a Google Voice Phone Number. It's free, accepts text  messaging and voice mail, and you can set it up so that it automatically forwards all messages to your cell phone.
(It also transcribes voicemails for you, which is nice. They're not always totally legible though!)
This way if they are not able to get a hold of you on your main number, there is a back up available that goes directly to you.

-ltomczak

Hey that sounds like a good idea for me because we do not answer private numbers in my family either....Thanks for the new idea and thanks for replying we don't hear from you too much and love to hear some of our ole' timers come back around....

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beth

Posts: 96 Member Since:03/11/10

#33 [url]

Jun 4 13 7:16 PM

This is just so sorry!!  It just seems like they would weigh  your  treatment and your Successes in the program and  give you another chance ,   For the therapist to tell you that they were not going to notify everyone about them calling as a private number  just does not make sense!!!  For them to deny you your medication on Sunday !!! Now that  just sounds criminal !!! Do they discount your bill for the missed dose??  Is this a  chain clinic?   What does a counselor" owe" a Patient?  What  kind of duty do they have to us ?  Should they want us to be successful,  it might have been nice had she been concerned that you did not arrive  for your "call back"  ? being that you  had  been to 5  previous call back  appointments   and been a compliant Patient..  Did she try to   call  you again , how much has she invested in your success ??  I can see that you have invested quite a bit into your treatment , you do not get to the point of having " take home " medication without  following the rules  and being compliant.  You've been given a lot of  excellent   advice .Writing a concise informative  letter  help you.   What kind of punishment would  they give you  for other offenses??  This just seems so severe in light  of your record there??    

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wayovermyhead

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#34 [url]

Jun 4 13 7:17 PM

AMYlYNN
You just gave me an idea to make a category for poems, stories, writings regarding well being.....Please submit some I loved those and would live to read more....We are not Hijack crazy here.  Unless argumentatively a post gets Off Track etc....As you can see the author of this thread is fine with the color you added to his thread....

OKAY I MADE THE CATEGORIES LIST UNDER THE MAIN FORUM CALLED "Recovery in Writings"  Would love to have the three above and all you want to submit...you could make a thread called AMYlYNN or Got2beDosed and keep adding to that thread or you could make different threads with ones about your childhood...ones about recovery ones about pain or healing etc...It is a freelance place for whomever and however they want to present it..

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wayovermyhead

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sapphire76

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#35 [url]

Jun 5 13 4:58 AM

    Just an FYI - I don't answer Private Numbers or any other numbers that I don't recognize.  And YES - It did get me in trouble with a call back one time.  But luckily - I just got YELLED AT and NOT PUNISHED!
I don't answer numbers that I don't recognize because I go through periods where I get on average TWO dishonest scammers calling PER DAY!!!

Maronne

-maronne

That is what is appropriate really given the circs, not complete revocation of all TH's ever.

Lots of people block private numbers, and if the clinic were going to start calling from one, they should have made sure they informed every one.

Also though, I always make sure the clinic have at least a couple of ways to get hold of me, I give them my cell, my home and work numbers, so hopefully I never miss them.

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sapphire76

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#36 [url]

Jun 5 13 5:10 AM

    @sapphire: I'd like to start off by saying first and foremost, i do not believe in punitive measures, AT ALL!! I actually  believe the OP should NOT have been punished, PERIOD!! However, since i know and have had to accept that clinics feel they MUST be punitive, @kjacobs has been a compliant patient for long enough. I believe his compliance warrants him a "get outta jail free" card.





-the_elephantman

Yeah, I don't agree with punitive measures either, but most clinic's seem to invoke them for missed call back's. If they are going to invoke punitive measures, at least 30 days would have been better than complete loss of TH's.

Having said that though, as the clinic didn't tell people they were going to start calling under a private number, it's not really the fault of the patient if they missed the call. Had they known, they could have made different arrangements.

As @kjacobs has been completely compliant, and given the private number thing, you'd think that the clinic would have just "had a word" with her this time, and let it go with no loss of TH's at all.

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wayovermyhead

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#37 [url]

Jun 5 13 9:29 AM

I am wondering something....have you heard from other patients that they have been called recently by private number on a callback...I just am not swallowing this one very well at all.  I think I smell some sh-- here???  Why all of a sudden are they calling from private numbers?  I would be more inclined to think maybe whomever did the callback did it from a home or cell phone and blocked their number or maybe was making the call from a fax line or a line the clinic doesn't usually use and whomever did this will not accept maybe this being WRONG. 

Unless you were one of the first patients they called from that new private line and your case is isolated incident why were these patients not forewarned the very first time someone said Hey you called me from a private line I almost missed you call ?  I am sure somewhere somehow somebody will understand it is partly their mistake...or actually nobody's mistake it is a random circumstance and out of the norm so it should be treated as this...BUT FOR SOME REASON IT IS NOT.....WHY?  or WHY NOT?

Why would they want to be so pigheaded on this?  It is clear to see there is actually some sensibility here...Like I said something smells fishy.  Were they upset with you for anything?  Your taper going smoothly?  Were they agreeing to the taper?  Is there anything you can think of where they might want to blackball you?  I mean is it just coincidence they changed their phone system that week?  Ask around and see if people are getting "private" on their callbacks. 

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beth

Posts: 96 Member Since:03/11/10

#38 [url]

Jun 5 13 10:31 AM

Could this he a HIPPA  privacy  initiative?  That is what bothered me is that they would not post a notice  , saying that the clinic is using a private number to notify Patients to return for the callback. or that  they  would not  think that it was most important to let everyone know??  I sure hope that there is an acceptable remedy to this, as loosing take home doses for a long period of time , for an otherwise compliant Patient is not acceptable . 

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pmlp47

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Posts: 33 Member Since:06/07/12

#39 [url]

Jun 5 13 2:07 PM

I live in NC and go to a clinic in Lexington NC. My counselor and the medical staff made sure that I had two working numbers that I could be reached at with at least one having some sort of voice mail. My home land line has a block that will not take calls that has their number blocked. On the other hand my cell phone does not have a block and has voicemail. I noticed the last callback I received the nurse called my home phone and I could see that it was Lexington Treatment associates calling. I knew right away that I was in deep shit or it was a callback and it was a callback and the nurse went into the spill about you have 24 hours to return to the clinic with the rest of your take homes and all your bottles and be prepared to give a supervised urine. I said okay and hung up the phone and I got dressed and was at  the clinic within 20 minutes. I go in and tell one of the dosing nurses I am here for a callback. One of the other nurses that is doing office work checked me in and she was looking hard to find a problem and damn one of my bottles was not sealed good and I could see the expression come upon her face and before she could get a word out I said call the director in here. I said now I haven't messed with my take homes so call who ever you need to call because I don't have regular transportation and I need my take homes. If I had not requested the Director and my counselor she was going to take my phase away and make me come on a daily pickup. I think that decisions should be made by more than one staff member had I not stood up to her and refused to let her treat me anyway that she wanted to I would have lost all take homes and who knows when I would phase back. I thank my stars above she is no longer at the clinic. so at the end things have a way with working out.  Most of the time if your honest and living right.

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g0t2b d0sed

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Posts: 246 Member Since:05/01/13

#40 [url]

Jun 5 13 5:40 PM

@Way, that's a wonderful idea! Even if nobody cares to read them if they don't pertain to MMT, it still serves as a form of release for me, and I'm sure to anyone else that writes as well. Thank you for being considerate and considering that as an option and then making it one. As always.... You're awesome!!

0UT 0F SUFFERiNG HAVE EMERGED THE STR0NGEST S0UlS THE M0ST MASSiVE CHARACTERS ARE SEARED WiTH SCARS -AMYlYNN 

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