I can feel your pain friend...all the way thru my computer.....you feel
as close as next door not over a thousand miles away. I have been there
several times...I have a condition brought about I am sure over
situational trauma from a pervert uncle who loved to shave or shower
etc...when any of us girls (myself and 2 sisters) were in the bathroom
on the pot iyswim....For the life of me I can not pee with someone
standing there and even worse than that I can't pee on command or
knowing someone is outside the door etc....
At first we did not
practice observed UA's at my clinic....I will never forget the first
time one of the nurses got the cup and this hat looking thing that goes
in the toilet and began walking towards the bathroom saying this spill
about a new policy and how I was going to have to pee in her
presence.....she was going on and on as we were walking down the hall
and I couldn't hear a word after the pee in front of me comment because I
could hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears and she sounded like that
lady on those charlie brown cartoons "whomp, whomp, whomp, whomph".
she turned to see what my silence was etc...she asked me "are you
okay?" as apparently I looked as if I had seen a ghost is what she told
the lead nurse when she went and told I had refused to do an observed
UA. Which by the way made me look guilty as if I was panic stricken in
fear cause I must have been thinking I was going to be able to fool
them with a non observed. I even admit I might have thought the same
thing had I been in her shoes, but I was panic stricken because I knew I
was not going to be able to produce any UA at that point. I use to get
spanked too as a child when I would embarrass my mother at the doctors
office when they would command a cup of pee as a survivor of sexual
abuse I kept urinary track infections and for some reason unbeknownst to
me or my mother I would be unable to do....
Finally when the
doctor realized it made my mother sooo mad because I would have entered
the office in tears and/or cry swollen eyes he put a stop to it and
demanded to get to the bottom of why I had issue with it. He knew at
that moment something had traumatized me and it wasn't going to be
"stubborn or defiant modesty" as my mother was claiming. I guess
although I don't remember the exact details, my mother was made aware of
his thoughts and she did indeed get to the bottom of it all and my
uncle one day took an ass whipping by my stepfather and he was gone and I
never had to pee in a cup at the doctors office again.
this had caused me issue over the years but I, since being that "abused
little girl" had never felt this fear and/or shame again at that level
until that moment there in the clinic when I had tried to do an observed
UA for almost 4 hours, drank gallons of water, cried, tried, plead with
the nurse not to go through with her threats "not to dose me" nor "take my
weekly takehomes"....like I said I had been going there over 18 months
or so and this had never happened because apparently observed UA's were
supposed "random" and I had somehow "cheated the system and not ever had
one done"...I could not believe how quickly this got out of
control....I had went from someone valued at my clinic, liked by pretty
much all staff, an example for other patients to being a lying,
cheating, defiant, law breaking patient all because of this issue.....
did lose my takehomes that day but they did dose me in the end and when
I went to the bathroom the minute getting written up was over I peed a
river and cried a river because I felt so many emotions for that little
girl I had almost in time forgotten about because I was finally making
favor in life with me, my family and others with my total success in
MMT. This that day almost changed all that too because I left wanting
to give up, fearing what was going to happen when my counselor gets
involved tomorrow and she hears all this nurse was saying about I must have
had something to hide etc....I sat in a parking lot and almost called my
Opana dealer thinking I might as well because I would never be able to
produce an observed UA and I would probably get kicked out for such....I
can take things way out there in my head and heart when old "shit"
resurfaces from my past....iyswim.
Thank God I didn't tho, I went
home got on my computer thinking someone out there somewhere in some
kind of medical or methadone forum would know something and that is how I
found this place and a few others....I went online found the forums
wrote out my heartfelt defeated panic stricken story and found friends that told me just what to do. I stayed up all night writing a grievance in detail of my uncle and doctor visits as a child etc...I went in the clinic the next morning at 5 am empowered not defeated anymore....
Short version here (believe it not) my counselor read my grievance sent ,me to window A to get my takehomes then asked me to wait until the director got there he was on his way. He called the nurse in and she and her supervisor came as she already knew my counsleor was upset with her actions apparently my counselor has to approve loss of privileges etc....He asked them to show him where it states that I was to get such treatment/punishment and they said they had been doing this for years...somehow I had slipped thru the system and had not been asked for one since my admit. I should have been submitting to a Observed UA once every three months like all the others and my refusal the day before made them question my integrity as a compliant patient. It ended up being a nurse ten years earlier had enforced this ruling and no one had ever complained or grievanced it they just accepted their fate...my counselor was new about six months in so I was her first to lose my takehomes over it.
They still do Observed UA;s at my clinic but we are allowed swabs in place of them. Others that do not complain have to pay 5 dollars to get swabbed...I pay nothing.... O now am a patient advocate at my clinic and I inform them as I had been informed by the various forums I registered on that day I felt so defeated and taunted by old ghost. Grievances don't always get honored and yours may not but I would say you have an excellent line of defense as I had laid out in an earlier post. Losing my takehomes was not the problem to me because I drove other patients to the clinic daily anyways but my injured integrity and pride was a problem that day. The grievance helped me restore that moreso than the benefit of getting my takehomes restored the very next day although I do appreciate that too. I hope they restore your takehomes etc...but there is also a call to do the grievance that matters more and that is to empower that hurting child I hear in your writings. The one that needs to be acknowledged for all the effort and accomplishment you have gained in MMT.
Remember your line of defense is acknowledging you accept your part in making the mistake regarding the phone app (I say this grinding my jaw and clinching my teeth because it was truly just a mistake) but the punishment does not fit the crime and especially under these terms and lay out all the phone app, your detoxing already, all the callbacks you have had and compliant behavior you exxhibited in the past....yada, yada, yada. Good luck and keep us informed.
@zac...you got any pointers????