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bumthat

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Posts: 120 Member Since: 10/15/12

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Nov 30 12 11:09 AM

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These past 2 months have been such hell for me. After trying to taper down and get off methadone I slowly went back up but was using at the same time. I was doing fine before that. I had money, paid my bills, was making decent money, and most important I was HAPPY! I don't even know what happy is anymore! This past 2 weeks work has been so slow! I wait tables and depend on tips. Where in working I'm not making shit! People are tipping like shit! I'm a very good waiter and always get compliments but people still are so cheap here in SC! I'm trying to find a 2nd job for extra cash. Really trying to get back into fine dining where I can upsell and actually make good tips. This past week I was scheduled off 2 days for the 1st time in 4 months. I always work 6 days a week and have been working every day for the past 3 weeks so I would have money because it is so slow. I use to always have 2 days off and work like 30-35hrs to make $800-$1200 a week in Orlando. Here I'm barely making $200 a week working 40hrs a week and would work more if they would let me. I went into work and they did t need me cause they scheduled to many people and no one would let me work cause they all need money. I had to charge the clinic this morning due to lack of funds. Didn't go Thursday to make sure I could charge today so I didn't sleep at all last night. I haven't ate in 2 days. I have no money for my weekly car payment of $75 and don't have the $48 for my clinic for the weekend so I'm gonna be screwed! I just wanna fucking cry! I'm trying to get better and happy again but shit just keeps happening to fuck that up! Now if I even have money to I'm gonna have to buy some dope to get through Sunday! I just don't know what to do! I texted my sister about what's goin on and all she says is I don't know what to tell you! I'm fucked so bad it's like I have no hope! Sucks.
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wayovermyhead

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#1 [url]

Nov 30 12 2:28 PM

Don't want to sound if I am minimizing your issues as they do sound very disheartening but "rock bottom" NO.  I too went from a career in Florida to a career in NC and well it hit me hard the difference in money to be made and money I made.  In saying all this your situation could become much more "rock bottom" if you add active using to the mix....I promise.  I understand the whole it couldn't get much worse ideal, but it could.

I don't know what to say to help you fix your situations as unfortunately some of them are immediate and are necessary for you to face next few days.  But I can say that things can get better but immediate action is needed for this.  Maybe you might want to look into this fine dining specification and on one of these 5 days you are off this week go looking for this. 

I am so sorry you are having it so rough right now.....next week it might be me.  I will keep you in my prayers and I so hope things get better....

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ccourtneymac

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#2 [url]

Nov 30 12 8:21 PM

@Bum, you have hit on one of my pet peeves - SHITTY TIPPERS!  IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO TIP YOU NEED TO STAY HOME!  It is MORTIFYING when I am with someone that is a crappy tipper.  I always throw in a couple of extra bucks.  Most people that worked for tips know how to tip.  And no, I am not talking about poor servers that give poor service.  We all know you are most likely an excellent server, @Bum.

DO NOT GIVE UP' PLEASE!  It *will* get better!  If you chose to use it will *not.*  But you know this.

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dharmageddon

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#3 [url]

Dec 1 12 1:21 AM

Hang in there Boo......but listen, how come you can hustle up dope loot but not methadone loot? Just curious----the day I found myself more concerned about getting my 'done than getting heroin was a turning point.....and it was not long ago.
good luck

All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be. -Pink Floyd

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sapphire76

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#4 [url]

Dec 1 12 4:50 AM

    Hang in there Boo......but listen, how come you can hustle up dope loot but not methadone loot? 
   

-dharmageddon

I was thinking that too!! Bumthat, I hope this is your rock bottom, and that you manage to get srtaight with the clinic.

Most of our rock bottoms have been far more harrowing, which is why people are trying to encourage you to stay with the clinic and dose every day.

As an example, my rock bottom was homeless, unemployed, selling my body to pay for drugs, and disowned by all my family.

I know you don't want to end up like that, so it's important to stick with the MMT.

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bumthat

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#5 [url]

Dec 1 12 5:38 AM

Well I'm sure everyone else has had worse but it has been worse and worse for me. My clinic is closed on Sunday so I'm screwed till Monday! I work this morning but don't feel too great but that could just be anxiety also! I have no money for my car which I probably won't be able to start it after 5pm which scares me! I have no one to ask for help! I'm so scared and alone. Still haven't eaten a thing! I'm so lost!

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bumthat

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#6 [url]

Dec 1 12 8:58 AM

I'm getting off methadone. My dad said he would help me only if I got truly clean. So I'm taking off a week or two and just toughimg it out. Done it before I can do it again. It's gonna suck but it needs to be done. I was fine before when I got clean just got to stay sober!

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ccourtneymac

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#7 [url]

Dec 2 12 12:04 AM

You are struggling in your treatment on methadone.  How on earth do you think you are going to be successful off of everything when you were using throughout your methadone treatment?  This is a situation set for failure, @Bum.  

I do understand this is what you had to say to get your families help.  What is the price?  That you are off of methadone in two weeks?  And, bam, that is it, you are cured, fresh and brand new?  Is that how your dad sees it?

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sapphire76

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#8 [url]

Dec 2 12 5:00 AM

    I'm getting off methadone. My dad said he would help me only if I got truly clean. So I'm taking off a week or two and just toughimg it out. Done it before I can do it again. It's gonna suck but it needs to be done. I was fine before when I got clean just got to stay sober!

-bumthat


OMG, don't do it @bumthat. If you are still using whilst you're on the clinic what do you think is going to happen when you stop?

Honestly, I think quitting the clinic is the worst possible thing you can do for your recovery, and I cannot stress that enough.

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webwolf1

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#9 [url]

Dec 2 12 8:31 AM

HEY BUMTHAT .,......Jumping off the Methadone Express. right now is by far the worst possible thing you could do right now. This program will work for you if you will just surrender.to the fact that you cannot win this fight against your addiction., I'M not saying that MMT is the only way to recover,but if you look at the stats, you will see it is your best bet in order to get clean from opiates. Bum, you are going to have to really look at your life, and decide for yourself the best out come you are looking for, and then go after it  not to please anyone else, not even your Dad. You are locked into a self destructive pattern, and you are going to repeat the same behavior over, and over again, until something rocks your world hard enough to knock you off it, and make no mistake my brother, ...That something is just right around the corner. This is  very Dangerous situation you are in right now, , and you cannot keep playing around with this Diease Bum, because it can, and if left untreated will take you right out of the game,  I know from reading your posts that you have alot of plans to this and that, or take one thing or another, but you have to remember Bum, The only reason these things seem possible to you, right now is because you are still using, or the methadone is keeping you from really getting sick. If you get off this program and stop using, I assure you the whole picture will look alot different, Its sorta like making plans to quit smoking, while you still smoke., The Grave yards are full of people with good intentions. You are in yet another fork in the road of Reality. You can take the one road towards recovery, and allow MMT to work in your behalf like it has mine, and tons of other addicts, or you can choose to go down the same road, as before, while we are all yelling at you saying that road is out. My prayer is you will choose the right one,    Good Luck Bum, 

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maronne

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#10 [url]

Dec 2 12 10:41 AM

You guys - I don't understand the lack of understanding in the replies.  Am I missing something?

Bumthat (which, I apologize, do not know if male or female) is all alone with nobody to help.  Has NO MONEY, NO ASSETS, NO FOOD, etc. BUT his father will help him RIGHT NOW if he does things his way.  Well - I know that I would absolutely be doing the same thing.  Being absolutely alone and in need and having nothing to help myself . . . hell YA - I'd take help from my parent in a heartbeat!  It beats the alternative?  How is this wrong?

Bumthat may/may not end up right back in the same spot in a few weeks or month, but RIGHT NOW he/she has a situation that is intolerable and this is the only way he/she can address it.  ??????

Maronne

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wayovermyhead

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#12 [url]

Dec 2 12 12:43 PM

You guys - I don't understand the lack of understanding in the replies.  Am I missing something?
Bumthat (which, I apologize, do not know if male or female) is all alone with nobody to help.  Has NO MONEY, NO ASSETS, NO FOOD, etc. BUT his father will help him RIGHT NOW if he does things his way.  Well - I know that I would absolutely be doing the same thing.  Being absolutely alone and in need and having nothing to help myself . . . hell YA - I'd take help from my parent in a heartbeat!  It beats the alternative?  How is this wrong?
Bumthat may/may not end up right back in the same spot in a few weeks or month, but RIGHT NOW he/she has a situation that is intolerable and this is the only way he/she can address it.  ??????

Maronne

-maronne

I totally agree I was suggesting the job situation regardless of whether she/he is forced to get off methadone due to family relations, financial etc...in attempt to have some choices in the future. 

I so understand the whole ordeal because I like @bum had lots of help offered many times if...."IF" being the keyword....I stop this and that, don't be friends with her or him....break up with my BF.....work here or there....live with this family member or that family member....surrender my keys to my car....eat a pile of shit while constantly smiling and then jump over the moon. 

I like maronne am not hearing where @bum has too many options but the immediate one i.e. her/his father's idea and/or solution.  I will offer this information though...no matter what your father thinks is best does not mean it is best but it might be your only hope at the present. 

No matter what happens I hope you will try as soon as you can to reconsider the MMT option as like Webwolf said the statistics of abstinence are bleak specially long term.  You have several threads regarding your situation so I am not sure where I said it or if I have yet but have you looked into seeing if the clinic will offer some option of reduced fees etc...for a period of time to get you stable so you can secure proper employment and not even have to compromise your recovery to please the father temporarily because I am afraid you will struggle to stay clean due to your struggles while on MMT.  I think you are not at a proper dose and have not had a firm grip on any of it yet. 

Good luck and please know that no matter how any post come across we ALL are trying to help and support you in this rocky uphill road you are on at the present.

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the elephantman

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#13 [url]

Dec 2 12 4:54 PM

I just wanna tell u about a friend of mine who was pretty much forced by his family to get off methadone and try abstinence. He died from overdose not too long after getting thru the withdrawal from the methadone. He lost his job and his familywas only willing to help if he stopped methadone right that very day. Well just like u it seems, he had no choice but get off. His dose was 95mgs. He stopped cold turkey and it took him a good month or a little more to get thru the withdrawal. Not even 2months later he was already askin me for stuff. I absolutely refused!! He ended up overdosin an now hes no longer here.

My point is, its dangerous to stop methadone when ur not ready or to please other people. If u were strugglin while on MMT, its gonna be even harder without mmt. I'd be dishonest if i told u anything other than what ive already said.

I hope very much so that u can find some other way BUT, if u absolutely must stop methadone, please know i also want just as much success for u!!

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bkeithphelps74

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#14 [url]

Dec 2 12 8:13 PM


@Bum, I TOTALLY understand the difficult place you're in - but I just want you to know this: You WILL NOT be over & done with the withdrawals in 2 weeks from being on MMT. It will take more like a full month. Even if you still go through with it, you need to plan on a month, not 2 weeks. Then if it takes only 2 weeks for you, hallelujah. But don't under-estimate it & find yourself in an even worse spot when you can't get back to work when you thought you would, etc. And by the way, even though I do fully understand where you are & that you need help, I think the idea of quitting MMT is the worst thing you could do - and I don't mean that to criticize your decision - I mean it to criticize your FATHER'S demands that you stop MMT in order for him to help you. That may not get you anywhere for me to say that, but the truth is that he's putting your life at risk solely b/c he doesn't like the idea of you taking medication to get better. Would he be that way if you had high blood pressure & needed medicine for that? Obviously I'd hope not. But no matter - since I'm not going to change his mind and it's doubtful that you will, I just hope you will REALLY put every ounce of effort you have into thinking this through BEFORE you make the final call on what to do. At any rate, WALKING OFF IS NOT THE WAY TO GO - you need to taper off, even if it's only over 21 days or something. Coming off 20mg was EVERY BIT as bad as coming off 120mg for me when I did it cold turkey. Keep that in mind. Best wishes to you, & I hope you make it, no matter your decision.

Oh, & let me add this: you've probably read about what I'm going through right now at my clinic - and yes, I'm pissed as hell with them. However, I can guarantee you that I WILL NOT walk off my dose. If I leave there, it will be 1) having had YEARS clean from illicit opioids under my belt, & 2) by tapering off slowly, not walking off & then getting sick, which ALMOST GUARANTEES you will fail. You're NOT going to get that sick & just sit there & wallow in it without getting the relief you know all too well how to get. I know this from experience. It's easy to say before you get into the sick part where you can't sleep for 2-4 weeks & you're almost out of your mind with delirium. When that stage hits, you're going to beg, steal, & cheat to get just a single dose of dope to relieve the pain & horrific ordeal you're going through. This is NOT the way to go for you - either stay on, taper over as many days as you can, even if it's only 21 or so, or go to a doc that will prescribe you something to help you get through - but you won't achieve this on your own unless your dad literally locks you up somewhere & won't let you out. I've been there, too, & it was NOT what the doctor ordered, so to speak. I ended up cursing out my parents, & my father was a preacher until 4 years ago when he retired. Saying "I don't have to take this fucking shit" to your preacher father & mother is not the mindset you want to be in, trust me. I said things to them that I can never take back, & it was not anything I'm proud of or like to remember. Just words to try to help you in some small way here. Again, best wishes.

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wayovermyhead

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#15 [url]

Dec 2 12 10:20 PM

OMG all you guys are doing such a wonderful job explaining the cold hard facts as seen in all the above responses, allowing him/her the information and all the while feeling supported.  I am so proud of this forum...

E-man....I too have a friend that happened to...MMT was not part of the picture but his family was brutal on any little relapse he had and well he did not make it through the last one.  MMT could have saved his life...I so regret I did not ever suggest it but then I had no information or experience to offer him on MMT as this was before my exposure to MMT. 

bkieth....as usual your explanations make so much sense....

@bum you couldn't be anymore supported if we were all right there in your living room.  I so hope you can find a way to continue the MMT.  Exhaust all resources before giving up please.


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sapphire76

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#16 [url]

Dec 3 12 6:12 AM

@Maronne - no-one was being unsupportive, we have ALL been extremely supportive of bumthat. We are just saying that the likehood of sucess in abstience are extremely low, and that really, it is not in his best interests to get off MMT.

@Bumthat - No Job? You lost your job, what happened? If you can't pay for the clinic are you going to do what your Dad is asking and detox?
Did you check out the clinic's in your area for subsidised of free slots?
Please let us know what is going on, and know that we are all here for you.

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bumthat

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#17 [url]

Dec 3 12 7:01 AM

I haven't dosed since Friday morning at 5am. I skipped Thursday also. I don't really feel sick which is weird but I guess thank god so far. I quit my job cause I didn't have money for the clinic plus I just wasn't making any money. But I'm just so lost and helpless right now. I live with my step dad who isn't home. I got no food. No gas. Just been eating cheese and crackers and a bowl of oatmeal. My dad who is helping me is like 300 miles away. If I had the gas I would just head there and stay. Sucks!

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skeetoz

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#18 [url]

Dec 3 12 5:55 PM

Bumthat financial stress is a real pain, I know iv'e had my fare share to. Many a times it's been either pay a bill or pay the Pharmacy! its' horrible feeling. Course the pharmacy wins, I don't want to be sick...If we don't go for 3days here doc is alerted and they will prob ask why?, if using etc. Can your dad wire you $$ till you get social security or something?.  We dont even have free slots, we do have a Gov clinic its used mostly as stabilizing, its free but they feetox last i heard may have changed, or a Councillor would more than likely work out your social money best case.. Never agreed with feetoxing seems inhumane.

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maronne

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#19 [url]

Dec 3 12 7:25 PM

Bumthat -

Your situation - just being alone in an empty house all day while waiting for withdrawals - sounds very lonely.  Any chance of there being any XA meetings within walking distance?  Or any other sort of "support group" or even a FREE therapy-type place?  You need all the support you can get it sounds like.

Where I'm from in Massachusetts, there is always an AA meeting I could go to each day (NOT saying that I'm an AA-er, but just to be around others who are struggling with the same issues.  In my experience, not everyone at AA is shoving all the rhetoric down your throat . . . sometimes it's a place to feel not so alone - which can be EXTREMELY COMFORTING and can help you get through another day.)  We also have this drop-in center called The Recovery Center for anyone interested in recovery from substance abuse (for either oneself or a loved one).  You can just go there and be around others who understand and who can be helpful.

Heck - even an area hospital or rehab or mental health clinic SHOULD know of appropriate events/groups/meetings that are in the area and may be helpful. 

Just some ideas I thought of that might interest you.  Just hang in there.  I've been through some very painful AND lonely times myself that I never thought I'd come out of . . . but I did . . . and most of us do go through this at one time or another.  Maybe start a little feelings journal where you can write down your feelings, or draw your feelings.  If you have any hobbies (or want to start one), it might help to do them.  Maybe there's a library close by?

Glad you are still posting.  Hope you can continue because I know I'll be wondering how you're doing and be pulling for you. 

Sincerely,
Maronne


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sapphire76

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#20 [url]

Dec 4 12 3:36 AM

@Bumthat - did you look to see if there were any subsidised clinic slots? Do you have insurance so you could possibly get something like Suboxone paid for by it?

If the only way your family is going to help you is if you detox, you perhaps should go to them and tell them you are in the middle of withdrawals and need some help?

Could you ask your Dad to transfer the gas money to you so you could be with him? You know like via Western Union or something?

I second what Maronne has said about getting out of the house. It does make you feel worse to be stuck in and on your own.

I'm not really sure what else to suggest. I think that asking your Dad for the gas money to get to him might be a good idea, at leaast you'll have some real life support.

I feel so bad that there is nothing much we can do for you, other than offer support. I really hope you get something sorted. x

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